I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I will be naked everywhere
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
