just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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