Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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