I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
