I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
