rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
