Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
