First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
