i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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