I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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