I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
