I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
