It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
