in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
