can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
