hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
