Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
