Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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