He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
