Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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