Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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