I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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