I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize