Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
