mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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