the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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