When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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