She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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