Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
