o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
