Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
