I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
