I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
