Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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