I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
