hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
