we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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