I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
