im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
