I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
