I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
