no, he came in my armpit
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
