Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
is wine microwaveable?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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