I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
