apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
