the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
