I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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