the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
