My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Four minutes until I can fart!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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