I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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