so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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