Cold hands, warm shart.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
