i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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