the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
