I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Your cock deserves a montage
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
