come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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