please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We're too hungover to prance.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
