the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
